My life story

Im lost

2009-10-09T21:16:00.001+08:00

Im lost

-

2009-09-27T22:37:00.004+08:00

I just want to write again.

9 months & 6 days of time with you. Everything ended today.

I kept quiet when i came home, my family was confused, i was confused.

Im still holding back my tears. im trying trying trying very hard.

She wrote her days, but she will only wrote times with her gan di & not me.

She would talk to him everyday, smsing him everyday, go out with him often recently, even with my presence around.

She wont meation anything about me but him.

Im keeping it all inside me.

My navy buddy onboard commited suicide on thursday night, he cutted his wrist, i wasnt surprised, instead admired his courage. If he asked me along...

I tried too. Commited suicide on 13th june & 25th aug, but why was i given chances to live? If you let me departed, i wouldnt be suffering anymore.

Im very tired, I WANT TO GO. WHY AM I STILL HERE LOST & SUFFERING. WHY IS THE PAIN STILL HERE?

Accepting responsibility

2008-09-10T15:35:00.006+08:00

Accepting responsibility

Dont know if i can go home after 2 weeks, im always getting myself into trouble. I will take care of myself when im there & i hope the rest of you are well too. Dont worry about me, im all a GROWN UP BIG MAN now.

Nothing to say much too.

Ubin boy

2008-09-09T23:56:00.005+08:00

Ubin boy

Thats yuting zhuang & me in N&B snacks.

Yay, dennis switched off his handphone. He was sleeping. LOL, pig. Today, went to PULAU UBIN with kerry & xu. Im all getting ready at 1000. So kerry & me went to have lunch at hougang mall first, then met up with xu at around 1300+ at hougang bus interchange & we set off.

So it cost 2.50 per head/ferry ride. We went to take pictures here & there inside the ferry, rented bikes, brought drinks & start to travel around. Xu paid for most of the expense. Dont worry, i will treat you some stuff again in another day. So everything was terrible. Mosquitoes breeding everywhere, muds everywhere & slopes everywhere. Xu had 9 mosquito bites on her, kerry around 3 & me only 1. They dont like my unhealthy blood. The stupid slopes, make me so tired. Guess 3 years of no running makes me no stamina. Old man, you gonna buck up. Nothing much over there. No more wild boar sighting, no more chicken, no more peacock, nothing. & we leave the place at around 1700 cause had a dinner later at 1830

Same people, but added yuting, dennis & shuhui along. Well, i dont know what im feeling weird about. Never expected shuhui to be coming along. Maybe just that im not feeling quite well nowadays & seeing her unexpected make me not right. For some of the time, i started to avoid eyes contact with em. Especially to shuhui, seeing her looking & smiling at me make me sad. I dont know why. Sorry for being looking so EMO at the dinner.

I remembered this question they set to me at N&B snacks. "So, you like shuhui more or felicia more?". I told em "I dont know. This type of things, why should you be making comparision" & i was avoiding eyes contact with em while saying. So kerry reliesed that im not feeling well in this topic & say "Waa, such a deep word. See, hes looking so emo now". I dont understand lots of stuff. Even if im really serious, putting in my every effort & trying to make em happy, it will end up with a bad ending. A ending i dont wish. Its like pulling me out of the dark room, i thought i can be happy again, let go of the pasts, but they dump me back into that room again. Treating me seriously, NONE.

Not long after, i decided to accompany yuting in riding train. Wanna avoid thinking.

Before going for dinner, had a small fallout with someone in MSN when i reached home. Im going in at thursday, i know it impossible to see her again before i leave. She had to study for prelims. All i wished is just a phone call chat with her, even if its for only 5min. So i asked, & her reply was "I dont wish to talk to you, no mood to chat". Because of the paper she sat for earlier on which make her upset. But somehow she still say i can still call her, if i want to. & im wondering whats the point of calling if she doesnt want to talk. True? So i say its okay, nevermind then. & her next reply was "its better to treat you in this way". Few days ago, had some small misunderstanding happening around & she meationed that its better not to talk to me, its all her fault for making everything fall out & unhappy, for making her friend to come & find trouble with me. So in any sense, i thought she was crapping all these stuff again. So what i say next was " Do you want to be in this way. Fine, go ahead. Dont talk to me. Treat me invisible, like everyone else does. It doesnt matter if it added one more." Which she didnt meant this, i got all the thinking wrong. What she wanted to say was to give her a day to cooldown, let the frustration over the paper to go, & then she can chat better the next day. & she say if i can be more considerate?

Its really fine for me cause study come 1st. But am i always such a lousy person to you? Not considerate, unsecure & so close up that you cant talk & share anything openly to me?

Well, you say im close up. Im writing my thinking here, im trying to be more open, let everyone know what im feeling inside, im changing. Im doing my best so to not let any restriction happened.

You say im unsecure cause i joke too much. I keep quiet, i can dont fool around, i can be serious in things im going to do.

You say im not considerate cause other will ask if youre fine & im always scolding you instead. I scold for cause i care. Im not the type that take in other people comforting words, i rather the person scold me to make me change for a better than always give in to me. I dont know how to comfort girls. I only know what i should say if its really meant em good. I dont want other to follow my footsteps & end up regretting never study hard for O lv.

Im trying my very best, but its getting from bad to worst. Quarrels come out more often. Cant everything be normal & like how it used to be. Like how i talk to you, you just listen. & how you talk to me, i just listen. Everything was so fun & alright back then.

Why should we be having negative thinking when a sentence come.

Why cant we treat it like a normal talk without suspecting & hating.

Why cant it be a happy chatting like back then.

No date expiry for happy memories

2008-09-09T23:30:00.002+08:00

No date expiry for happy memories

Recently, i saw this cousin friend in FACEBOOK. We dont really know each other. Shes 5 years older than me. Here are parts of the conversation we shared in that website.

Isaac s y:
still remember me?. huiling's cousin. i seen you before at my 5th auntie house during my pri 1. you was singing a song called "the hundred miles" with my elder brother. my elder brother call seng wah. then ur mom always like to scold me cause im very naughty.then couple of times we met at serangoon ave 4 the coffeeshop.HAHA, i dont know if you remembered all these. Just saw you in the YANGZHENG group so i added you

Shang Yz:
Wah!!! U mean u can remember so many stuff when u were only pri 1???!! U muz be kidding me... HAha!Er... I really Can't remember u. But since u explained so much about how u know me, I guess u really know me lor.U also another late owl huh.. So ur still staying at serangoon?

Isaac s y:
Now staying in Hougang street 51. Around Buangkok Green MRT there. In fact, you doesnt know me. You only know my elder brother & huiling. Then im still a kid. Everytime met you was huiling asked you to come out one, & i just happened to be there too. Your name ying zi right?

Shang Yz:
Im Yingzi. Weird... How come u can remember me when ur younger than me... Yet I have no recollection at all...

That was a time when my 5th aunt called for a buffet lunch in her house. That day sure was happy. The singing was great.

Every happy moment will be stored in my mind.

I didnt sleep for 2 days

2008-09-09T02:09:00.012+08:00

I didnt sleep for 2 days

+ tonight, it will be 2.

Longest streak of staying awake was 3 days long, look like im going to make it 3 days again. I wanna thanks kerry for staying up together with me yesterday. WE ARE GAY. HAHAHA.

I dont like sleeping cause always had nightmares. Sometimes i found out that my face was wet with tears when i woke up. I will never shed a tear when im awake.(Always had nightmares when i think too much. Well, i cant stop worrying about stuff though you all might always heard me saying "take it easy" or acting "calm"). Look at my white hair. Today, a uncle in the lift say "Woah, so young have so many white hair", I say "Old already". He say "Nevermind, nowadays white hair is in tread". So lame right.

Intend to go pulau ubin yesterday with kerry for cycling & girls peeking. But the sky colour was dark, so didnt go. Later then go. I ask dennis along, dont know if hes coming anot.

Later tonight going to have dinner with em, + yuting zhuang is coming too. Good. I thought she still dont wanna meet us. Got boyfriend then always say not free. Then always say i never call her out. Is she dont wanna come out.

Pulau ubin later, pulau tekong 2 days later. LOL. Im gonna have a rifle, handgun, knife & grenades soon. If the officer KAOPEI KAOBU, i will on friendly fire, headshot him, or i will fire in the hole at him.

Because i say a wrong word when im joking around. Someone treat it very real & serious & lots of stuff arise, causing misunderstanding here & there. & offended another person. Well, im always sarcastic & offended others with my words. Another bad habit of mine.

I wanna thanks lots of people. Kerry, Alvin, Xu, Dennis, Roy & Pig Head. Especially kerry, you make me appeared in LIANHE WANBAO cover page, i will always remembered it. & experience the night life of geylang, the gross food in singapore (Frogs) & the fun in going clubs with you. We do all sort of SHIT. & then the rest for eating with me, watching movies with me, entertaining me, webcam with me & share porn websites with me. OMG, alvin stop introducing girls to us, all KNS, either its plump or ugly. Concentrate on O lv please. & no tips for you in EPL. I tell your mother.

Lastly,

ILOVE THE SERANGOON AVE 3 LOR MEE.

Last day for Changi Village coffeeshop stalls

2008-09-07T22:20:00.031+08:00

Last day for Changi Village coffeeshop stalls

We didnt know it until the stall owner told us. Today is their last day in this market. It will be close down for a month for renovation. Everyone look busy packing their stall up & not much food is available for selling. My parent & i went there to have dinner with my aunt family, having a free ride in my uncle Mazda 6. So we ordered a plate of prawn cheong fan, fried oyster with egg, pork herbal soup, fried wantons, spicy sting ray, some plates of wanton noodle & prawn noodle.

The prawn cheong fan was nice & the rest just so-so.

So i went to buy my swimming goggle at there after eating. & all my stuff was done preparing, i think? Then just having a scroll around the street. The End

Dont need to bid me goodbyes, its not like im dying tomorrow. Well, its sort like "not a bad feeling afterall". I can get to a new enviornment, have a new start, cut off ties with here when i reach there. & i dont have to think so much & end up that i couldnt sleep at night.

LOVE, forget it, it doesnt flow well with me. & i hate to care over a girl with others. Been making myself sleepless, jealous & hurtful. Though she say im DUMMIE & she havent make a choice yet, but theres someone better than me which she feel more comfortable with. I do look unsecure to be with cause i just simply like to joke too much. This is the fact & i dont wanna come in & make her undecided on choice in 2 years time. 1 person caring for her is enough, & im the latter guy which make it 2. Everyone wish there is a right person in life, who will wish for 2 right person. Right?, i shouldnt be messing with her lifestory. Its sinful. I wish her to be happy & blissful. & its her O lv coming up soon. I dont wish to make her lost focus for thinking hard not to hurt me. I dont wish her to end up regret like me. God call it obstancles?, i face enough of em, till my blood bled dry. i wish to say this. I wanna fuck this world till its fuck.ed.

MONEY, i wanna earn enough & travel around the world. Its my wish. I wanna cut all ties & go to a new country & have a fresh start. This is the best solution of avoiding.

Im telling you that im fine, cause this is how my blood run, my emotion, my life. You might feel not used to it. Im all used to it. This is isaac life story

If it look too depress for all of you to stand it. Dont read. I dont give a damn.

I buried my heart deep somewhere .

Shuttering myself up.

Enduring alone.

& get so used to the quietness, the emptyness.

Till i dont remember who am i, my purpose.

Living in a empty shell.

Waiting for my day to crease.

To be a non-existence thing.

Why should i care

2008-09-07T00:24:00.005+08:00

Why should i care
yeps, its just 4 more days left.

My dinner was so FABULOUS. My mom brought KFC & some japanese snacks for me. 2 fried chicken, 2 set of fries, 2 whipped potatoes, 1 zinger burger, 1 box of shrimp & 2 japanese snacks. Its all MY MEAL. So she say "why didnt u ask why we buy so much for your dinner", i didnt ask still. Either is they struck lottery or its my feast before i enter boot camp.

They brought everything for me. Shampoo, toothpaste, washing powder, etc & i saw hair conditioner. So i say i dont need this & my mom say "Ohh yay, botak already still use conditioner for what". HAHAHAHA

Well, im not nervous. Im bored. Cause i will lost my freedom & time with others. It will be my next stage of life soon.

I recieved her sms this morning, at 0949. She say im a DUMMIE, always thinking too much. Yay, i agreed, im always a DUMMIE. Well, i dont wanna talk about this too. Just walk 1 step, see 1 step. MY STYLE.

Yep, im going to phone call someone now.

Let me enjoy my last few days left in this topic of life.

I couldnt sleep, once again...

2008-09-06T07:40:00.003+08:00

I couldnt sleep, once again...
Im scared. ilikeher, ilikeher & ilikeher. I wanted to wait for her. She knows it. There are too many at the same time keen on her. & she stated that shes going to give someone a last chance. Look like after all im only a friend to her...

Though we know each other about 3 years ago, but i never speak to her much.

For 2months +, she been accompany me, entertain me, make me happy & even help me to stop doing nightmares. (I always do nightmares when i think too much). So i had also been trying to show concern to her too.

It remind me of "her". I thought i stand a chance, but in the end, things will never go by way.

Ilikeher & im afraid, why does thing keep repeating itself.

Will i continued to wish someone else blessing & bear the suffering again......OR
Should i just avoid her

I cant bear to do anything.

What if end up she choose other over me.

I dont want to walk this painful path again.

Yet im just addicted to her.

Im lost...

Memories

2008-09-06T02:01:00.005+08:00

Memories...
I remembered that her birthday fall on the 28th of sep. its coming soon

5 years ago. I remembered that she always stand in front of our eating table during my repeated year of sec 3. Brendan & company know her. I dont know her. But i always peek at her. She is always smiling away while chatting with her friends. & her 2 deep dimples always stay in my mind.

I know her though FRIENDSTER at sec 4. whereby i ask for her MSN later & chatted furthermore. Im always shy in school. So we seldom speak. Only hi & bye.

I changed alot during sec 5. & i started talking to her more in school. I remembered there was a time. Im with felix & sharwn. They were my buddies during that time. We walked at the 3rd level during recess. So pass by class 3E. It was her class. I saw her & her close friend outside 3E at the wooden study tables area. I saw her smiling once more. So i say "Did anyone told you that ur smile is very sweet". So they were laughing away. Sharwn pulled me & asked "WTF are you trying to do?, XIAN stranger isit". So we were all laughing.

I got her phone number when this stupid jiakang told her that im interested to get her number. I get to know jiakang while im serving the library as a librarian. So she went to look me up & in fact ask me "you want my number?". So i was like so WTF at jiakang & BLURRED. & she gave it to me.

I remember everything that she did. Shes always carrying a purple coloured strips bag, belong to the blue house yet she wear purple shirt cause she like that colour, favourite drink is honey lemon drink, favourite cartoon character is piglet, used to sleep at 11pm sharp & fall ill once every 2 weeks or month.

I remember a time when we were chatting at night. She told me that she fell ill again because of the rain. a flu & a fever. I told her to eat medicine & she say that there is no medicine left in the house. So that night, after jogging,(i used to jog at night during sec 5) i went to the nearby 7-11 & brought her panadol cold pills & i gave it to her at recess the next day. So she was like so pale-looking & i brought her drinks too.

We used to chat during recess with her friend tagging along. They dont eat, so actually they waited for me to done eating & go. Her friend will always find a excuse to leave & let us have a talk.

I always ask for toilet breaks during lesson. LESSON ARE BORINGGG. & i took a long time to return. I would go to the 3rd level & peek at her. Her seat is right at the back, next to the backdoor. Sometimes i would bump onto her when going to the toilet & we will chat.

Couple of times i will walk home with her to the bus interchange. I remembered once where she saw this cockroach & scream so loud.

Not long later, Her mom began to fetch her home in the silver coloured car, parking just near the front gate.

Before morning assemble, she would come to the staircase near the back gate with her friend & chat with me. Cause im always there with felix & sharwn. Until i dont see her anymore & i ask why. She say that im always late for school, so whats the point of going there.

1 night around june, we were chatting on phone at night & she told me that she had to mirgrate to taiwan to study. Her mom force her. So might not be coming back to singapore. I was sad.

Her course took her 5 years. We still chat in MSN. Her BF was one of a friend that i know during secondary. She used to quarrel with him alot. Each time quarrel finish, she would come & complain to me. So i would try to help her.

Few months later, they broke up. & still the quarrel continued. She would still complain to me & as usual, i helped.

2 months later, while we were chatting. She asked if i like her?. I dont know why. I changed topic. Might be because i just broke up with felicia tan.

& then so much for the promises that i must come to her birthday chalet & go out with her. End up she had a BF out of nowhere & never even look me up again. Not even in MSN.

This is how we stop chatting to each other, stop communincating.

I still remembered every single small things which happened 5 years ago.

Cause she is someone important to me. No longer...

Im not FINEEE at all

2008-09-06T01:31:00.005+08:00

Im not FINEEE at all...
Dont ask me why. Yay, i have no confident. No more. Cause wish lead to disappointment, & disappointment lead to fear. Well, im just going to drown myself in my own drowsy lonely world. So what so if you all ask why so emo. It will be just a question. A curiousity. Not a concern.

Im just like this, cause i dont dare to try anymore. I dont want to step in the deep hole again & end up hurting myself for nothing. Everyone is self-centered afterall. I remembered this. To the world, i might be just 1 person. But to 1 person, i might be the world. (but to myself, im nothing). Well, just leave me alone & wait for the time for me to die. Im nothing & nobody. This world + me is not many, - me is not less. So it doesnt matter whether who am i.

I wish i go in NS tomorrow.

I wish to cut off all ties & go to a country living.

I wish there is no everyone else.

I wish i lost my memory.

I wish there is no shengyuan, isaac.

I learned something today

2008-09-05T21:34:00.004+08:00

I learned something today

Woke up at 1430. Nothing to do. So i decided to make a blog.

I had no experience on it. So i guessed i have to figure it out myself. 1st, went to make an account at www.blogger.com then post my post. Then do here & there. & i got the format at www.blogskins.com. So i spend couple of hours learning how to edit HTML. I then created more boxes like Tagboard, Links, Archive, Music. & i reliesed its not easy to make em work. Had to create account here & there. & then i took images from different blogskins & put there together. Had to make sure that they dont slack each other too. & i changed the background colour from black to white. & the boxes background colour from pink to different colours. So i did ask for helps on where to get Cbox, Music & Colour Codes.

While doing halfway, i reliesed that im hungry. Look at the time, its 1800. & then i havent brush my teeth, wash my face, go pee, eat & drink anything. This was not the 1st time i forget about the time. Thats why you see that im sooooo SLIM

Well, its good that i have learned something today. & i wont have to worry how to spend my day off. NICE

Meet up with Dennis, Xu & Kerry for dinner

2008-09-05T15:20:00.003+08:00

Meet up with Dennis, Xu & Kerry for dinner

My right eye was so swollen when i woke up.

Meeting time was 1830 at serangoon garden. As usual, im late. I went out of the house at 1830 to meet Kerry at his blocks voiddeck first. So i reached at around 1900. Dennis & Xu were there waiting for me too. So i thought Dennis was going to drive us over there. It wasnt. We had dinner at the nearby coffeeshop & we ordered 3 dishes. We took out all our $$$ & im the one taking out most coins. So many of 5cent coins. HAHA. Remind us of how Xu took out a BIG packet of coins for the donation card during secondary 5. Mr tan aik fong had to count the amount bit by bit. Overall, the food wasnt that bad. Not too much & less, just right.
Then we went to Kerrys house. Okay, im not so smart to pick up the poker card game called " DAE DI" & i give up. So they continue playing & playing. & Dennis just learned this game in a week ago so when he win. He was estatic: YEAH I WIN I WIN. HAHA. After a few rounds, we went home

So i reached home at around 2200. I fell asleep at the sofa soon after i reached home. When i woke up, it was like 2230 & i decided to call my Sunshine.
She just came back home. I was like "HUH, why is it so late". Cause she told me she would be heading home after she met up with her lens buyer. I ask her "Why so late le?". She say that cause she met up with her Gan-Stead. This guy lives near CityHall & she was at Town waiting for the buyer for more than 1hour. & he called her & went to meet her up. So i asked this "Is you find him or he call you one." She say that it was he look her up.

They went to watch the movie "Wall-E", which i watched with her at her birthday at Monday, 1st Sep. & i say "HUH, again?" & she say that yay, somemore is that i pay for it. &^$&!

Then they had CHICKEN MARCORONI. This guy saw the way how she cut the chicken meat & he say that she was like massaging the chicken, then he took her knife & fork, help her cut it up bit by bit. I was like &(^%&^%%!^$_(^&#^&^%*%(^&)@&)^%(^(!^%(^!(^%^!&^%&@(^(^()%(@. okok, i feel weird inside.

She say that she wanted to go home cause the parents keep calling her. But this guy dont allowed her to go home & then drag her to Marina for a scroll. So she ended up hailing cab to go home & reach so late. She say that she spend alot on movie tickets, popcorn & cab fare. So i asked "Didnt he send you home?". & she say he claim that he would never send a girl home. What a nice
person. *Y&*%!

So she ended the chat with me as she was tired & feeling giddy.
Yesterday, she met up with him too. This guy called & say that he was near her living estate & wanted to meet her. So she came to this church where he was in & he pulled her in. It was raining heavily, this guy took a brolly & just clamp on her, pushing her. She say that she was pushing him away cause he was too close to her, like hugging her. & everyone else in the public were looking at em. & end up he just intro her to his friends. & she leave the church not long after.

I remembered few weeks ago, this conversation in MSN. She say OMG OMG, so i HUH?. Then she told me her Gan-Stead stuffs again. He told her that he do it with his cousin yesterday. Means SEX. so i was like WTF, this type of things also need to say to other. They are really KIDS. So she say that she dont know what was he thinking about & telling her all these stuff.

I DONT LIKE HER FRIENDS. SO CHILDISH. & I DONT LIKE HER FOR HAVING GANS. HOW OLD ALREADY STILL WANT GANS FOR WHAT?. & WHAT IS THIS GAN STEAD FOR?. FOR FUN & LAUGHTER?. I HATE THIS GUY. I HATE WEIRDOS.

Well, i called her almost everyday. im not her boyfriend. but im addicted to her. & whats sad, im going to serve my NS in 6 days time. My freedom is going to *Phew*, disappear